My Unending Inner Monologue: I’m 19 and Have No Idea Where My Life is Going

Lately I’ve been going through something I decided to coin a “mid-youth crisis.”  My writer’s block and embarrassment to admit I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life right now have kept me from writing about it.  Reading that out loud sounds as ridiculous as it is, but anyone in college or around the age of 20 knows what I’m talking about.

I’ve felt like society expects me to know exactly what I want to do career-wise.  As I write this, I have a separate browser tab open with a schedule of courses for the upcoming fall and spring semesters.  I know I still want to write and possibly become the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, but the idea of abandoning all worldly possessions and this planned out life the “American dream” has established for me is also very tempting.

Believe me, I’m thankful my parents have enabled me to receive a college education.  The sacrifices they continually make for me to reach my full academic potential have not gone unnoticed.  I’m also aware that many people my age are not given the same opportunities.  Shoutout to Marge and Jeff y’all are the real MVP’s.  I’m just saying that college isn’t all football games and confetti-covered extravaganzas.

Stress and anxiety, which I plan to write more about in the future, have made every minor flaw in my NYC dreams seem magnified.  I’m not old enough to rent a car, yet I place this pressure upon myself to achieve the same milestones as someone who’s been working at Vogue for years.

That’s so extra, I KNOW, but some of my classmates have podcast series on iTunes and internships with the Olsen twins under their belts.  Props to those ladies and gents, but sometimes it just makes me feel like a thumb.  An unpolished thumb singing “Under Pressure” by Queen in the shower every night.

You might not know where this blog post is going, honestly neither do I, maybe that goes along with not knowing where my future is going.  But here’s the plot twist: it’s completely OK to feel clueless once in a while.  Just make sure you’re working to the best of your abilities, transform stress into the motivation to become better, and most importantly give yourself a break.  Rants are sometimes more a necessity than an option, but ragging on yourself and thriving in self-deprivation aren’t the best way to go about things.

This message isn’t even specifically for millennials, you can feel lost at any age.  Not having every answer you’re searching for does not make you weak or inadequate.  If anything, it leaves room for some extra learning and living.  This is a beautiful world full of fuck-up’s and victories.  If Steven Spielberg could be rejected twice from USC’s film school, you can do whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself is too big of a battle.  I believe in you and I believe in me!  We don’t need metaphors or analogies to tell us that.

Alright, pep talk done.  Time to go finish some homework, then eat Easy Mac while I watch New Girl.




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