My Unending Inner Monologue: I’m 19 and Have No Idea Where My Life is Going

Lately I’ve been going through something I decided to coin a “mid-youth crisis.”  My writer’s block and embarrassment to admit I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life right now have kept me from writing about it.  Reading that out loud sounds as ridiculous as it is, but anyone in college or around the age of 20 knows what I’m talking about.

I’ve felt like society expects me to know exactly what I want to do career-wise.  As I write this, I have a separate browser tab open with a schedule of courses for the upcoming fall and spring semesters.  I know I still want to write and possibly become the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, but the idea of abandoning all worldly possessions and this planned out life the “American dream” has established for me is also very tempting.

Believe me, I’m thankful my parents have enabled me to receive a college education.  The sacrifices they continually make for me to reach my full academic potential have not gone unnoticed.  I’m also aware that many people my age are not given the same opportunities.  Shoutout to Marge and Jeff y’all are the real MVP’s.  I’m just saying that college isn’t all football games and confetti-covered extravaganzas.

Stress and anxiety, which I plan to write more about in the future, have made every minor flaw in my NYC dreams seem magnified.  I’m not old enough to rent a car, yet I place this pressure upon myself to achieve the same milestones as someone who’s been working at Vogue for years.

That’s so extra, I KNOW, but some of my classmates have podcast series on iTunes and internships with the Olsen twins under their belts.  Props to those ladies and gents, but sometimes it just makes me feel like a thumb.  An unpolished thumb singing “Under Pressure” by Queen in the shower every night.

You might not know where this blog post is going, honestly neither do I, maybe that goes along with not knowing where my future is going.  But here’s the plot twist: it’s completely OK to feel clueless once in a while.  Just make sure you’re working to the best of your abilities, transform stress into the motivation to become better, and most importantly give yourself a break.  Rants are sometimes more a necessity than an option, but ragging on yourself and thriving in self-deprivation aren’t the best way to go about things.

This message isn’t even specifically for millennials, you can feel lost at any age.  Not having every answer you’re searching for does not make you weak or inadequate.  If anything, it leaves room for some extra learning and living.  This is a beautiful world full of fuck-up’s and victories.  If Steven Spielberg could be rejected twice from USC’s film school, you can do whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself is too big of a battle.  I believe in you and I believe in me!  We don’t need metaphors or analogies to tell us that.

Alright, pep talk done.  Time to go finish some homework, then eat Easy Mac while I watch New Girl.




The Art of Curiosity

Disclaimer: I freaking love art.  (Insert tired joke about a California girl who loves avocados and gluten-free mosaics here).

I will say, however, that I don’t know @#$% about Van Gogh or Warhol.  I wish I could recite some fun facts about impressionism so I could earn myself some street cred’, but what point is there in trying to prove I’m passionate about something by rambling off bullet points that belong on Wikipedia?

I actually walked up to the lovely lady working at the Broad, who sported a septum ring and the museum uniform of  head-to-toe black, and said, “I don’t know anything about art but I love it.  Can you tell me more about it?”

There is a certain wisdom in the ability to admit when you’re not the smartest person in the room.  I know that I felt giddier than a five-year-old at Disneyland when I saw the three sculptures, but I had no idea why.  I asked her if the change from bright pinks and yellows to twisted greens and charcoals represented a change in emotion or state of life, or if they stood as completely different pieces.

The girl smiled at me and said, “That’s the beauty in contemporary art.  The concept is in the viewer and how you interpret it.”

I thought that was kind of beautiful.  When I let my guard down and admitted I wanted to learn more, I was greeted with the realization that art is what you make of it.

Sure, I could learn about more eras in the art world and its model artists, and I probably will, but I don’t need that to validate why it holds a place in my heart.

Here’s my challenge; conquer the task of overcoming the taboo that surrounds curiosity.  Stab that metaphorical dragon right in the eyeball! Enjoy these pictures of the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum at Michigan State University first, but after that

Ask more questions.

Listen for the answers.

See that learning from others is remarkable instead of a reason for ridicule.



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The Stress Relief Playlist You Probably Need

I may be a Journalism major, but I know it is scientifically proven that stress SUCKS EGGS. Major eggs.  My friends on the quarter system are currently taking finals or just recently finished them.  However, a messy room or fights with loved ones can also cause just as much stress as a final exam.  I love listening to music to combat this overwhelming feeling, and want to share a list of songs that get the job done.  Some of them are slow and soothing while others have inspired more than a few impromptu dorm room dance parties.  In no particular order, here’s some full-volume-worthy material your Spotify is waiting for you to add to a “Stress Can’t Kick My Bootay” playlist.

“Sunrise Sunset”- We Are Trees

“We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow”- Soko

“Garden”- Hinds

“Coconut Skins- Live At Fingerprints”- Damien Rice

“Dance This Mess Around”- The B-52’s

“Paint”- The Paper Kites

“Timothy”- The Tallest Man on Earth

“Above the Clouds of Pompeii”- Bear’s Den

“Sydney (I’ll Come Running)”- Brett Dennen

“Gun Song”- The Lumineers

….While you’re at it, just add any song The Lumineers have ever performed.  You’ll thank me later.

“Farther Along”- Josh Garrels

“EASE – Lontalius Remix”- Troye Sivan

“Hey Ya!”- The Northern Empty

“The Woods”- Daughter

“Sugar”- Sister Sparrow and the Dirty Birds

“Real Peach”- Henry Jamison

“Feel It All Around”- Washed Out

“Re: Stacks”- Bon Iver

“New York I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down”- LCD Soundsystem

“Beast of Burden”- The Rolling Stones

“Tear In My Heart”- Twenty One Pilots

“Bones”- Ben Howard

“La Vie En Rose”- Louis Armstrong

If I missed any that should be given the spotlight they deserve, let me know in the comments!



My Unending Inner Monologue: Self-Worth

Welcome to my first blog post!  I want this site to encompass everything I love to write about, one of them being this three-ringed circus we call “life.”  I’m planning to write a string of posts entitled “My Unending Inner Monologue…” that covers varying personal topics I experience in my everyday life.  This will basically be my journal made public for any wandering eyes on the Internet. Yikes, I know.  Writing has always been my favorite outlet for my thoughts, though, and I’m hoping this series of sorts will connect to at least one person in this digital abyss.  So, without further ado, let’s start with one of my favorite topics; self-worth.

Self-worth is a battle everyone faces, yet sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who struggles with giving people or aspects of my life too much power to heighten or crush my confidence.  My mom has told me since middle school that if I relied on others to validate how worthy I see myself, I would always be let down.  My seventh grade self told her “Ok, you’re right,” while my mind was really thinking “you don’t know what it’s like to be thirteen without a boyfriend and having people call you quiet all the time.”  Let’s be honest, teenage angst is an epidemic that will never cease to exist.  I thankfully grew out of my insecurities I faced in my early teen years, but my misconception of self-worth didn’t go away for quite some time.

I would seek validation in grades, making sure I never suffered from FOMO, and unfortunately my dating life.  None of these, however, reflected me as a person.  It’s okay to be proud of doing well on a test and feeling flattered that your crush thinks you’re cute, but that’s no way to rely on fulfillment in your life.

Although social media has brought endless opportunities to our modern world, and will undoubtedly provide me with a job in the near future, it also comes with its downfalls.  In high school, the one I noticed the most was seeing everyone living perfect lives on Instagram and Snapchat while I was the only person on this God-forsaken planet dealing with real problems.  I saw how happy everyone else seemed through filters, and this undoubtedly negatively affected my self-worth.

As I matured and lost my over dramatized sense of reality, I soon saw that measuring my happiness based on others’ “highlights reel” ate away at my confidence.  Everyone deals with their own demons, they just don’t share that part of their lives with 500+ acquaintances.

Now comes the real question, “So what am I supposed to use to measure my self-worth?”  A ruler? No.  A bra size? Certainly not!  Personally, I choose the path of empathy and a positive mental attitude.  I try to see if I am making an uplifting impact on others while still teaching myself to strengthen my self identity.  A good analogy is the explanation many people use for why bullies or toxic people act the way they do.  They rag on others and try to downplay their peers’ successes because they don’t see themselves as worthy or unique.  I try to use acts of compassion towards the people around me to show the love and respect I have for myself.

Negative thoughts also eat away at one’s self-worth.  If you are constantly thinking “I’m an idiot and no one likes me,” or “I wish I had different knees and a ski slope nose,” your self-esteem is never going to improve.  If I ever catch myself in a spiraling hurricane of negative thoughts, I take a deep breath and think of something positive like, “Today I talked on the phone with my dad and it was such a nice break from my typical schedule.”  See the difference?  Practice helps, and once I got the hang of replacing self-deprivating thoughts with optimistic ones, I saw a huge difference!  Stay motivated, positive, and watch your life become brighter than any VSCO edit.